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Relationships 102: Are You Equally Yoked?

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If how you approach the box is foundational for the individual in relationships, being equally yoked is the foundation for a couple in relationships. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, St. Paul advises us to “not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” Now the simple interpretation of this passage tells us to not associate with “unbelievers,” or maybe non-Christians. Yet, the Word of God is not that simple. Especially as it pertains to the most intimate of relationships, being equally yoked is much more than ensuring that your significant other believes in Jesus Christ.

What is a yoke?

Before we go too far down the road, let’s take a look at what a yoke is. Unless you’re a farmer, you probably don’t encounter a yoke that often. Relatively speaking, I know what a yoke is. But I had to look it up as I was drafting this blog post. So, for those who know…for those who think they know…for those who don’t know, I share what I found.

Relationships Equally YokedMerriam-Webster defines a yoke as “a wooden bar or frame by which two draft animals (as oxen) are joined at the heads or necks for working together.” Wikipedia defines yoke as “a wooden beam, normally used between a pair of oxen or other animals to enable them to pull together on a load when working in pairs…” Simply stated a yoke is used to join two animals together so that they can move together and work together.

Relationships Unequally YokedTo be unequally yoked meant that to incompatible animals were yoked together. Imagine a farmer trying to coerce productivity from a bull yoked to an ass! Both stubborn at opposite ends of the spectrum, how much work do you think would actually be done? They would be unable to work together. That doesn’t make for a harmonious relationship.

Equally Yoked Relationships

So, when I say that the foundation for couples in relationships is being equally yoked I mean more than that both people Christian. Being equally yoked in relationship means sharing a vision for the future and being capable of pursuing that vision – together.

Relationships Jay-Z & BeyoncéI’m not saying two people have to be exactly after the same things, but there’s a reason Jay-Z and Beyoncé work so well. Their passions align in such a way that they understand each other. In coming together, they form the perfect merger. They feed off each other and are able to keep each other encouraged…hungry.

Relationships Barack & Michelle ObamaAn equally yoked relationship can also occur with people who don’t have the same exact ambitions. Michelle Obama seems to have absolutely no political ambitions. Yet, she and the President exude the love that comes from being equally yoked. She was able to share his dream and fit in such a way as to fuel him and propel them forward.

 

Are Your Relationships Equally Yoked?

Do you share interests and passions? Do you share a dream? Can you pursue the same (similar) vision? Are you both able to “form like Voltron” to conquer the shared enemy?

If not…then all the romance in the world won’t make your relationships last. Even if you approach the box with the proper perspective, you will still come up short.You might enjoy each other…you might have a great time together…you might even fall in love. But, your relationships will either die or they will kill your drive.

Being unequally yoked in your relationships will leave you like the bull yoked to the ass: glaring at your mate while your mate refuses to continue.

Many times we meet people and are instantly wowed. We enjoy their conversation…we enjoy their smile. We enjoy their company…we enjoy their touch. Becoming enamored by those things, we head down the road of deeper and deeper intimacy to a place where we being to think of making our relationships more serious.

But by this time, we are already in love. It’s too late to speak of ambitions and dreams. Those things don’t matter much when they’re up against emotions. So we find ourselves trapped…trapped in a place where our genuine love betrays our deepest ambitions. At that point we must make a choice: either we kill our ambitions for the sake of our relationships or we kill our relationships for the sake of our ambitions.

In either case, we kill a piece of ourselves. And rather than our relationships promoting wholeness, they perpetuate the brokenness that has been with us since the Fall of humanity.

How to Have Equally Yoked Relationships

The first thing is to spend time exploring your potential partner’s ambitions. What does s/he want out of life? Do you see ways in which your desires might be integrated, so that you can support each other?

These conversations should be had early in your relationships. This way you are growing together practically while you grow together emotionally – and spiritually. When couples approach their relationships in this way, they are better able to ensure that the love the are building will be nurtured. When couples do not approach their relationships in this way, unmet expectations and dreams deferred tend to suffocate love.

So rather than running blindly into emotional bliss, be circumspect and deliberate about establishing equally yoked relationships. If you are interested in learning how to adapt such an approach to your relationships, I’d be glad to help (click here).

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Relationships 101: How Do You Approach “the Box?”

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I guess my failures have become so renown, that folk feel comfortable asking me questions on relationships.  They say, “everything happens for a reason.”  And, if my relational failings might serve the common good, to God be the glory!  #MercyLord

Nevertheless, I do give thanks for the opportunity to speak with others about their relationships.  Love and relationships are vital to human existence.  Indeed, the only time in the story of Creation that God proclaimed anything to not be “good” was when man existed without woman (and vice versa, implied).

Yet, as important as relationships are they are quite elusive and confusing.  You don’t need to do much research to prove that statement.  A simple personal reflection will do.  If that’s not sufficient, you can look to those around you: family, friends, coworkers, etc.  Everyone has some story of confusion in relationships.  But to satisfy those who like stats: a simple Google Search for “relationships” yields 527 Million results!

How to Make Relationships Work

Relationships 101: Think Like A Man?That’s the ultimate question, right?  All of the other questions are simply periphery, are the not?  Cosmopolitan-esque questions of “How to Turn on Your Man” and Harvey-esque advice to “think like a man,” don’t seem to really get to the point, do they?  They are necessary: every man wants to be turned on, and women would be helped if they understood men’s way of thinking (and vice versa).  But even after understanding these things, there is more to “getting it right” in relationships.

It’s all in the approach.

One of the fathers told me: “marriage (i.e. relationships) is like a box.”  He went on to explain to me that our consumer society comes to the box of relationships looking for what can be consumed.  We come to the box and take out what’s in it for us.  Man takes…woman takes…and the cycle repeats itself until finally the box is empty.  And, when the box is empty our relationships die.

He went on to say that the proper view of marriage and relationships to to approach the box seeking what we can put into it.  Man gives…woman gives…and the cycle repeats itself until the box is overflowing!  When the box overflows our relationships thrive.

I did two additional Google searches.  First, I searched for “what are you getting out of your relationship.”  This search yielded 772 Million results!  In contrast, a search for “what are you giving to your relationship” yielded a mere 146 Million results.  And even then, many of those results on the first page addressed the more negative aspects of that result pool.

Our natural tendency is to look for what we can get out of the box of relationships.  We come to relationships looking for someone to take care of us…to cook for us…to provide for us…to motivate us…to protect us…to nurture us…to satisfy us…etc, etc, etc.  We are well-intentioned, but those intentions sap the life out of the other.  Even in many relationships that are “lasting,” when husband or wife (or both) are in the “safety” of their friends they are quick to gripe about their spouse!

How do You Approach the Box of Relationships?

It’s quite awkward and counter-cultural, yet when you think of relationships do you consider what you want to give to your partner?  Do you see their failures, their weak-spots, their hurts, their fears and intentionally decide that you want to love them?

I mean love them: not with a simple “I love you” type love, but with that essential and active-type love that rolls up your proverbial sleeves and gets down in the shit of their existence?

Do you approach relationships and become excited by how good you can be to your partner?  Or do you simply consider how good s/he looks and feels to you?  Do you approach the box of relationships thinking of all the wonderful things you possess that you will add to the box?  Or, do you become consumed by thoughts of all the wonderful thing your partner has that you can take from the box?

A Novel Approach to Relationships

I think the wisdom told to me by this father makes a great deal of sense…don’t you?  Yet, it is not an easy approach to make.  For in a society geared towards consumption, most of us approach relationships looking for what we can get out of relationships rather than what we are able to give to them.

As St. Paul said in 2 Corinthians 6:14, we ought not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  In this respect, we can see the difficulty in taking this approach to relationships when your partner does not share this perspective.

Relationships 101: Overflowing BoxIn theory, we give and we give and we give and we give and we give.  Regardless of who does the giving…no matter if only one gives, eventually the box will still fill to overflowing.  Yet in praxis, a man/woman can only go so long with their giving being unrequited.  If both parties are not giving to the box, the giver will eventually tyre.  Once they have burnt out, they will stop giving and their relationships will ultimately die.

I believe this theory to be the best in securing happy relationships.  Yet, for this theory to work, it is important that both partners be committed to giving to the relationship.  Two takers will kill their relationships faster, but a giver and a taker together will kill their relationships just the same.  So maybe that should be the new “about your mate” question in dating: “How do you approach the box of relationships?”

For more information on approaching the box and to find out how you can change your approach, please see the following video.

 

What do you think?

 

The Wonderful Lessons of Marital Strife

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Marriage is tough…and it is tough for a reason – by God’s divine design. Listen and learn of the wonderful lessons of marital strife.

The Scripture readings for this sermon are: Genesis 2:18-24 & Mark 10:2-16.

Because the Broad Ain’t Have No Books…

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Ok, yea…the title kinda hits right in the mouth. But, it had to be said! And, I don’t make a habit of calling a woman “out her name,” but feel me on this! I beg your indulgence…

It’s happened on a few occasions, and it’s always quite frustrating. You find a sister who piques your interest. Of course, what draws you in is that superficial attraction. Not to sound shallow, but no one walks into a room and sees the ugliest person in there and say: “Oh DAMN! I gotta get her number!”

You make your approach. It’s a bit like double dutch: trying to find the rhythm before you jump in. But, once you catch the vibe it’s like recess all over again.

That night is a “hit” of sorts. Not that it was “the best night in the world.” No, it doesn’t even have to be close to that good. In the superfluous nature of today’s “pop culture aficionados,” expectations have indeed been lowered. It’s a sweet pleasure to find someone who can speak in complete sentences, and knows a mere trifle of substantive information.

Wow! Did we just laugh about something that had nothing to do with a reality show? Did you just get excited about a song that wasn’t demanding that you shake your ass? Wait, you mean you don’t want to drown away your life in a torrential sea of boos? ; Word.

This might be worth an exchange. You trade numbers and part ways. You think you found one: still alive…

However long it takes to engage, you finally do. And things go smoothly. I mean, how could they not…in the beginning your conversation consists of those niceties infused with wit and playful sarcasm. But, like Alice in Wonderland, you’ve dropped down the rabbit hole and are compelled to find out just how deep it goes.

Now you’re forced to talk without the social accouterments that allow one to disguise their ignorance. You have expended the surface-level topics and in order to continue this “getting to know you” process you must dig deeper.

Surely, every hole has a bottom. But DAMN! ; Anti-intellectualism is killing us!

Yes, girl…you are fine…gorgeous actually. But, your external beauty is a transient thing that has its limits. Sooner or later, a brotha is gonna loose interest in that. I mean, I can only think of two uses for a solely external beauty. On the arm as a trophy and in the bedroom. Where do we go once that’s expended?

I’ve dated a couple of you. You think that your physical beauty is going to carry you through. All your life your head’s been “gassed up” by men – from Daddy, to first love, to all others – proclaiming your beauty. Did they lie? ; Hell naw! ; It is true…physically you are fine. But DAMN! Anti-intellectualism is killing us!

I think I’m gonna start carding women before I date them. I think I need to see library cards. I need to see your personal book catalogues! And, I’m not looking for the latest romance novels, murder mysteries, etc. I wanna see something with some substance…something that’s going to beautify your mind! Ignorance is a contagious disease and I’m fighting hard not to catch it. At first sight of the affliction, I have to run.

There’s something immensely sexy about a woman who’s well read. There’s something alluring about a woman with a book that makes you do some research before you come back to speak with her. There’s an ever-expanding beauty that belongs to the mind.

It’s such a waste of beauty when a beautiful woman does nothing to beautify her mind. It’s such a turn off. It’s, frankly, a waste of time.

So this broad approaches me in the bar and says: “what happened? Why’d you stop calling? I was so looking forward to fu*king you proper…” ; Another broad @replies me on twitter, “@Jah_Bread, where you been stranger?” Another broad texts me: “so, you not talking to me no more.” So it continues…

And, if you wonder why: “because the broad ain’t have no books…”

The Curse of the Independent Woman

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Will we ever find happiness? What about joy? Is it even possible?

I swear, when I step outside of myself and any situations I must admit: Willie Lynch was a helluva guy! He worked a number on us. And, the Slave Masters that followed his principles must be congratulated by the power structure.

This is attributed to Willie Lynch:

We reversed nature by burning and pulling a civilized nigger apart and bull whipping the other to the point of death, all in her presence. By her being left alone, unprotected, with the male image destroyed, the ordeal caused her to move from her psychological dependent state to a frozen independent state. In this frozen psychological state of independence, she will raise her male and female offspring in reversed roles.

For fear of the young males life she will psychologically train him to be mentally weak and dependent, but physically strong. Because she has become psychologically independent, she will train her female off springs to be psychologically independent. What have you got? You’ve got the nigger women out front and the nigger man behind and scared.

It’s the curse of the independent woman

Sisters, it’s like: you want a man, but you don’t want a man. Or, you want a man but you don’t want a man to be the man. Or, it’s like you can’t understand that this whole dynamic in which we live was set up to keep the Black man and Black woman apart – at odds.

So, there’s a war going on inside – and no one is safe from…

Inside you say: should I give myself to him; should I hold myself back; should I just use him to fill my (physical, emotional, mental) needs?

Can’t let your guard down…why? Because you fear you’d loose yourself.

That’s the curse of independent woman.

And, that curse hinders full development. In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey lists three stages of development:

  1. Dependence
  2. Independence
  3. Interdependence

Wikipedia defines interdependence thus:

Interdependence is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to and sharing a common set of principles with others. This concept differs distinctly from “dependence” in that an interdependent relationship implies that all participants are emotionally, economically, ecologically and or morally “interdependent.” Some people advocate freedom or independence as a sort of ultimate good; others do the same with devotion to one’s family, community, or society. Interdependence recognizes the truth in each position and weaves them together. Two states that cooperate with each other are said to be interdependent. It can also be defined as the interconnectedness and the reliance on one another socially, economically, environmentally and politically.

In essence, interdependence implies unity.

On the contrary, independence is defined as “the state of being independent.” And, independent is defined thus:

1: not dependent: as a (1): not subject to control by others : self-governing… b (1): not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent (2): not looking to others for one’s opinions or for guidance in conduct… c (1): not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood)

So, Independent Woman, you wonder why you’re still single? It’s the curse of independence…

Stephan Covey says that in order for people to become highly effective, they must reach the stage of interdependence. Yet, for some reason (damn you Willie Lynch) it seems as if sisters want to remain independent. For some reason becoming highly effective (i.e. interdependent) is undesirable.

Don’t get me wrong, we brothers – and, I myself – have work to do as well. Many of us, as have I, try to jump from dependence to interdependence – with no regard for independence. And, I will try to approach this angle in part two of “The Curse of Independence…”

To Be, Or Not To Be (Honest)…That’s the Question!

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Now, lemme preface these postings. I realize that what I say might have a tendency to cause some to think I’m referencing them. Sometimes I may be, sometimes I mightn’t be. Yet, at NO TIME is anything that I say meant to be a slight to any female out there! Much of my material is not of any recent nature. Much of it is. Yet, I am simply finding a way to share some of my musings: it might help me, it might help you, it might help another…it might help us repair our families, for as Minister Farrakhan said: “the new century must be the century of family!”

By the title and the topic to be explored, you’ll know why I had to submit such a preface. We men tend to be somewhat matter of fact. Much of what we say has no underlying meaning. The running code is: say what you mean and mean what you say. Yet, for some reason our words and intentions seem to become twisted and all of a sudden we’re faced with an upset sister. Brothas, holla if you hear me!

To be, or not to be (honest)…that’s the question!

I was talking with one of my brothers about this. It’s a vicious dichotomy in which we exist. People in general, lie (and I know sisters will say brothers…brothers will say sisters – but I say people). Lying is such commonplace in our society – it comes naturally. And, since it comes naturally everyone expects it.

But, relationships cannot thrive without open and honest communication. And, herein lies the tension. We all “want to be” open and honest. But, like Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men,

You Can’t HANDLE the Truth!

So, what to do?

In efforts to be open and honest, a brotha may tell a sister something. You tell her because you want her to know…trying to deposit some trust in the bank. You think you’re doing something notable and praiseworthy. Then WHAM!!! You get slammed by the attitude monster! 😉 All of a sudden, you find your self thinking: “Damn, I wish I didn’t even open my mouth.”

To be, or not to be (honest)…that’s the question!

My Dad always raised me with this instruction on women. He would tell them, don’t ask me any question you don’t want to know the answer to because I’m not going to lie. Then again, he’s in his 70s and came from a time when Blacks were confined to their own neighborhoods and weren’t preoccupied with chasing individualism.

Where can we be free to take off the mask? Or, must we always live our lives exchanging one mask for another? It’s like before speaking, we must think: does she really need to know this. It’s like we are forced to be secretive…but then penalized for being secretive. Sisters wonder why their man doesn’t like to talk…well, it’s safer to remain quiet! If we’re quiet, we’re not forced to lie and we’re not forced to tell you a truth you can’t handle.

Now sisters, you can get mad a me for saying this. Sure – “we take those!”

But, what does that solve? Does that make your relationship any better? Does that help your particular situation? I’m just telling it like it is…

If you want a solution though: create an environment where your man feels safe to be himself. We spend the whole day in Black Face, shucking and jiving for the man – showing those pearly whites. We don’t want to “Mantan it up” with you too!

Chris Rock joked…We men sometimes joke around and say how nice it would be if we came home and our wives greeted us by asking us to sit down and taking off our shoes. (Certainly, being in them high heels all day sisters could use the same!)

But, as I think about it how much greater would it be if when we came home your woman walked over to you, greeted you with a kiss, and proceeded to remove your mask: “honey, you’re home. Feel free to be yourself.” Damn. Now, that’s a fantasy for you!

Blog Cry…

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I can’t see ’em coming down my eye, so I gotta make this blog cry… (Thanks Jigga)

This relationships blog has been a long time coming and long overdue. Years ago (2002/2003), I used to write a column for a now-defunct St. Louis news-magazine called The Flipside. It was going well until their “marketing genius” decided they wanted to create a corresponding column from a sister, and have us “beef” back and forth. When I didn’t want to go that route and decided to walk away, the female editor told me I needed to “man up.” As Coach Singletary said, “Can’t play with ’em; not gonna do it!”

Yet, circumstances have forced my hand. And, I feel the need to use this sounding board to get some things off my chest. So, let us begin…

First, what this blog won’t be:

  • A handbook by which sisters will learn the latest techniques for how to manipulate their man.
  • A sister-bashing forum.
  • Groundwork for any justification of being anti-Black women.

Now, what this blog will be:

  • My observations of the complications in male-female relationships, especially within the Black community.
  • A bridge for the gap that keeps Black men and women apart.
  • My therapy.

So, what’s sparked the rebirth of these musings? Well, truth be told I’m a man who not quite 29 has been married twice – and failed twice. Must be true what they say about “the best laid plans of mice and men…” Good intentions are not enough.

But, I can’t see ’em coming down my eye, so I gotta make this blog cry…

That first bad experience kills it all. The first one you “do wrong” stays with you forever. After that, every subsequent relationship is tainted by the stain of “relationship past.” You either carry your own burdens and failings, are burdened by the failings of the significant others who came before you, or both.

Needs and desires cause things to move too fast. Wounds and hurts cause things to move too slow. Either way, opportunities are missed or ruined…and the cycle continues.

It’s been said that I’m too sensitive. And, that might be true. In this society, sensitivity is a female trait. So, it’s ok for a woman to express emotions. But when a male does, a woman (and society) says he needs to “man up.”

So, man up he does. But, when that happens a woman becomes a simple accessory – easily interchanged like neck-ties to suit the occasion. And, in doing this a man earns the badge of dawg…so the cycle continues: more hurt is dished out, the breach is widened.

But, I can’t see ’em coming down my eye, so I gotta make this blog cry…

Maybe the madness cannot stop. But, it seems as if the situation forces the cynic to win-out. And, when the cynic wins everyone looses.

Yet, as was demonstrated in the recent events surrounding the death of Michael Jackson, we never appreciate a person and/or situation until it’s too late. We never want to do the work of preservation until it becomes an effort of resuscitation. And, sometimes what wasn’t worth being preserved is better left to die. Sometimes we take a sick animal and are forced to put it to sleep – no matter how much it meant to us.

Many brothers – most I know – start out wanting to be a gentleman. Most start out wanting to be a nice guy. But, dating and wanting to date changes things. No one likes to fight. And, it’s easier to work debauchery than to do what’s right. When a brotha wants to lead a woman to the trough, she goes eagerly. Yet, try to get her to drink from pure waters and she’ll only go kicking and screaming. Indeed, such a tragedy…

But, I can’t see ’em coming down my eye, so I gotta make this blog cry…

[MV] JAY-Z – Song Cry from kimsheto on Vimeo.