Archive for category: Change the Game

Have you ever been in a relationship you absolutely knew was bad, but couldn’t break free? I know I have.

I remember how it feels: you’re not happy…you feel belittled, taken for granted, mistreated, under appreciated, etc. But you can’t end the relationship. You come close to doing it. Maybe even you pull the trigger and do it. Yet, you aren’t strong enough to take yourself seriously. So, you find yourself back with that person again. It’s almost like because you feel so bad about yourself in the relationship, you’re afraid to leave and be alone. What if I really am all the things he/she makes me feel?

Or, the circumstances in your life make the relationship convenient. Maybe you’re a single parent, and it’s hard to find someone to date. It’s hard to meet new people, when you have a child. Maybe you just don’t want to continue introducing your child to new people. So, your boyfriend/girlfriend is familiar with your child and your child is comfortable with him/her. You don’t want to mess that up.

Or, your life is in a state of transition: you’ve returned to school to advance your career. You’re about to move. Whatever the circumstance, you’re life is about to change so it doesn’t make sense to start a new relationship. Why spend time getting to know someone new, if you’re going to be changing your environment and being forced to end that relationship anyway? If you’re about to make a transition in life, why not wait until life changes and use that as an opportunity to break up with the person. In the meantime, you resolve to enjoy the little benefits you get from that bad relationship and ignore the problems.

Or, all of the above.

In either case, you can’t break free from a bad relationship because that bad relationship fills a particular void. There is something lacking in your life and that bad relationship is filling that void in some way.

• Maybe you are afraid of being alone. Maybe you were put down by a parent or sibling or other influential person. For some reason you’re not comfortable/confident by yourself.
• Maybe you lack internal motivation. Maybe you thrive off the approval of others. When you have someone in your corner, you’re a fierce competitor. But without the approval of those close to you, you have little drive.
• Maybe you are indecisive. Maybe your parents were over-protective and regularly stepped in to make decisions for you. Now you have trouble making decisions on your own, because you’re hoping someone will make them for you or at least help you make them.
• Maybe you are too dependent in some way. Maybe your feel insufficient by yourself. At some point – in some aspect of life – you may have been told you weren’t “good enough,” and some you feel you always need someone else to take care of you.

The way the game is usually played, the person you’re dating in this bad relationship knows your void(s) and exploits it/them. By knowing your void, your partner knows how to manipulate you.

You need to know those voids too. Then no one can exploit that void.

So, have you really considered why you can’t break free from a bad relationship? Even if you’ve been fortunate enough to break free, can you remember why you stayed as long as you did? What was it that made it ok for you to stay? What was “that thing?”

Why was “that thing” so important?

When you can identify “that thing” and understand why “that thing” was so important, you can begin to defend yourself against such bad relationships. Now you know where you need to be strengthened. You can begin to find different ways to fill that void other than wasting time in a bad relationship.

As we begin strengthening your ability to fill those voids in ways other than investing in a bad relationship, you can begin resisting the urge to join yourself to a man/woman that doesn’t have your best interests at heart. By strengthening your ability to fill those voids in alternative ways, you will be able to break free from relationships that are bad for you.

I took some time before stepping into the Ray Rice fray. I think it’s quite unfortunate how we have viewed this incident and how we (i.e. Society) have victimized Janay Rice, against her will. Let me be clear: I do not condone what we saw in the video, and I do not make any excuses for Ray Rice. 

Yet, in Matthew 18:21-35 Jesus describes a servant who owed a large sum. His master forgives the debt and send him on his way. But, when the servant leaves he finds someone who owes him money. Forgetting the forgiveness he had just received, he grabs his fellow servant around the neck and demands that servant pay what he owes.

Many times, we are like that servant who has forgotten all the Master has forgiven us. We may have found ourselves pleading with God to forgive us…to have mercy on us…to deliver us. We have had those “woe is me” moments, where we cry out for help because of something we may have done. Yet once that moment is gone, and we’ve received the forgiveness we were looking for, we forget and can’t wait to get our hands around the neck of our brothers and sisters, demanding they pay the full amount for their wrongdoing.

Now, I’m not going down the road of how we should forgive Ray Rice – as Janay Rice has forgiven him. Nor am I venturing the way of how it is Society that makes her a victim, although she herself has decided that she isn’t one.

Rather, the Ray Rice incident has peeled back the onion layer of domestic violence and sexual assault the runs rampant in the NFL.

It makes us feel good to have a boogie man to point fingers at. Anything that allows us to pass the buck and escape our own conviction, right? The NFL wanted to point fingers at Ray Rice, pretending that his was an isolated incident. Yet the firestorm erupted and made it clear that across the league, in every division of the NFL, there are incidents of players being abusive. The NFL couldn’t avoid the discussion any longer. League Commissioner, Roger Goodell finally had to come before the media and announce a new player conduct policy.

Yet, Society wants to point fingers at the NFL. This is a problem for the NFL and not the community at large. Someone has to be the “fall guy” so we can continue to feel good about ourselves, throwing stones while living in glass houses.

I don’t want to blame the NFL for the Ray Rice situation. Nor do I want to blame the players for the NFL’s predicament. Rather, I want us to consider some things as we look at the root causes for domestic violence in our Society.

I will say this: I think the NFL is indeed tied to the predicament. Yet, as much as the NFL may have influenced culture, our culture has brought the NFL to prominence.

I watch football. I played football. I was an All Star on two Varsity Territorial Championship teams in the Virgin Islands and one Junior Varsity Championship team. And, I was violent on the field. Yet, I only played football because I was an athlete and was good. My sport, however, was and is baseball.

It’s ironic, if you consider American Society, we have changed dramatically as baseball has declined and football has arisen. As more and more people have taken to football, our Society has become increasingly disconnected, angry and violent. But football has only arisen because our Society prefers the violence of the game. Baseball is too slow. Baseball has no hitting…no contact. Even basketball has hard hitting, yet we miss the “glory days” of the game when power forwards and centers defended the paint with violent authority.

Now, I’m not saying the only hope for our Society is to abandon the NFL. Yet, I am asking you to see the connection between the sport we love and the culture we have. Then, if you are honest enough to recognize that, I am hoping we can look at reviewing our perspectives of the game.

The antagonism between opponents has a direct relationship on our interpersonal relationships. We love a game where the goal is to crush your opponent and step on their necks. When each side (offense or defense) lines up opposite their opponent, their goal is to “punch them in the mouth.” That is the very words coaches and commentators use! The defense wants to punch them in the mouth. The running game (and Ray Rice is a running back) is used to punch the defense in the mouth. And the slugfest continues for four quarters.

Even within a team, that violence is prevalent. During training camp and in practices, that violence between offense and defense is the means by which players gain the respect of their teammates. Leadership in the locker room generally rests on that one who is both feared and loved – with fear generally coming first. It is usually the same for our relationships.

Can we take the love of violence out of the game, while preserving the game’s integrity? Can we remove intimidation from our relationships, while preserving love and respect? If so, how do we strip the game of that “philosophy of violence?”

It reminds me of the movie, Gladiator. Remember: Maximus (Russell Crowe) has this amazingly brutal match with a renowned opponent. Once he had defeated this opponent, the crowd chants: “Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!”

Society wants blood. And, the league commissioner (i.e. the Emperor) gives them the blood they desire. He gives the sign for Maximus to kill and the crowd goes wild. But at that moment, Maximus realizes he has the power to change the people’s perspective. He drops his weapon and lets his opponent live. The crowd is silent…unable to determine how they should feel, having been denied the bloody violence they crave. Then one brave spectator shouts: “Maximus the Merciful!” The rest of the arena is now comfortable to embrace this changed perspective and they erupt in applause. So begins the changing of culture.

What does that moment look like for our situation? How do we begin to see the game differently and thus begin to change our culture?

The violence we’ve seen in the Ray Rice situation is not exclusive to the NFL. It is part of our culture. But there must be a better way, right?

Everyone should be Playing for a Championship Love. But to do so, we must not simply look for a scape goat for all that’s wrong in Society and just point fingers. Rather, we should look at the connectivity between the things we see out there (in Society) and those things we see in ourselves. Only then can we change the game into something that is actually worth playing.

The game needs to change. And not just the game we see on TV or between the chalk lines of the football field. The game of human relationships desperately needs to change – Ray Rice and the NFL has made this clear. So let’s get to work on changing the game and changing our culture, so that we can all have our own “Championship Love.”

Now I don’t know what T. D. Jakes had to say in his book of a similar title. Didn’t read it. Didn’t see it. But I know sisters loved it – at least so I think! (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong…) I can only hope that you love this too…

I continue to observe things which might be attributed to Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome, as espoused by Dr. Joy Leary. It seems as if sisters have been conditioned to not let men into their lives.

But why?

Maybe because during slavery sisters never knew if their man would be killed or sold. Maybe because of this, sisters grew into an inherited-indifference that has eerily become a type of “protective shield.” Maybe it’s a part of “The Curse of Independence.”

But, woman thou art FREE – to love a Black Man!

Maybe you still don’t know if we will be killed – in the streets, in the war overseas, by the cops, by the thugs, by an accident. Maybe you still don’t know if the economy and job market will “sell us” to a nomadic existence, scrambling to keep cash flowing. Maybe you still don’t know if the City or State will refrain from selling their penal contracts to other systems outside the community.

But, woman thou art FREE – to love a Black Man!

Those happenings you fear, are things which, at present, are a reality.

Still, sisters find it hard to let brothers into their lives.

Maybe it’s because you had bad relations with men in the past. Maybe a man mistreated you; maybe he abused you; maybe he didn’t value you. Maybe you have a right to be pissed off!

But, it is also a reality that if you still want to be married you must allow yourself to be vulnerable again – just be wise in that vulnerability.

Woman thou art FREE – to love a Black Man!

What I’m saying is what Black Sheep told you years ago: “The Choice is Yours!” (ungh – come on!)

You can choose to have love, or you can choose to be empty. Protecting yourself is not the answer. Being more selfish to compensate for some deficiency you see in men will not alleviate the pain. Being stand-offish will not make things better. And, as comforting as it all may seem, in the long run you will end up as you are: single.

As Christ said, “(s)he who tries to save his (her) life will lose it. But, (s)he who looses his (her) life for My sake – and the Gospel’s, will find it.” Protecting your interests, protecting your emotions, protecting yourself is paramount to trying to save your life. Unless the Lord is a liar (heaven forbid!), it must follow that you will lose your life in this fashion. The only way to find the life you’ve been seeking is to “Let Go and Let….”

Woman thou art FREE – to love a Black Man!

Don’t hold the next man accountable for the abuses of the last man. Don’t let the ignorance of the man you did have allow you to let the man you do have, slip away. Don’t let your past have a negative impact on your present and future. You are the only one keeping yourself from joy. You are the only one holding you back. God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness; so, your vulnerabilities will prove to possess a strength beyond imagination.

Woman thou art FREE – to love a Black Man!

Or, am I missing something?